On The Worries Of Literacy

So after a lazy summer of doing not much of anything it’s finally time to get out and be a human being again. Next week I start my fall classes as I head back to school to finish my degree. I have already written a little bit about going back to school here and as the day grows near I find that it occupies nearly all of my cognitive resources. Which is pretty weird since it has been a very long time since this time of year has meant anything special to me. Normally fall just means I have to buy some more allergy meds and start thinking of ways to get out Thanksgiving. This year, in addition to those normal tasks I have to battle a case of the back to school jitters.

Over the past few months I have been laying the groundwork for my return to education. I had to submit a portfolio of work to the fine art department and figure out exactly what requirements I still have to meet to complete my degree. I selected some courses that are both relevant and interesting and a schedule that seems pretty reasonable. I thought I was pretty much good to go when I received an email from somewhere in the university email machine that claimed I had to write some kind of English language proficiency exam (ELPE) or there would be dire (but mysteriously vague) consequences. This was surprising because a). I’m pretty sure I’m proficient in English and have the essays to prove it, and b). I wrote this test a long time ago. The University seemed pretty insistent though and if there is one thing that I have learned from my years of working in a large corporation it’s that there isn’t any point fighting “the man” if you don’t have to. It’s just an hour of my life I probably wasn’t going to use anyway, and besides how hard could it be?

Despite the fact that the ELPE looked to be a run of the mill test I began to experience quite a bit of pre-test anxiety. I don’t usually get anxious about written exams and I don’t usually have any trouble with them but it had been such a long time since I’ve had to write one that I began to worry. I think much of my anxiety also stemmed from some of the other stresses I have about starting school. I’ve already jumped through so many hoops to get this education engine restarted and I didn’t want any dire (no matter how vague) consequences to bork it all up.

Actually writing the test was for lack of a better phase “worriedly amusing.” I was stuck in a large room with a thousand or so other English language delinquents while an earnestly serious man droned on and on with instructions about how to prepare to receive our instructions. It was like some kind of Orwellian fantasy world. I spent five minutes patiently arranging and rearranging my pencils and making sure not to overturn my coloured piece of paper. The droning voice hinted at a swift and exacting punishment for this particular infraction. After some time we were allowed to start. This was when I discovered that I had most certainly done this test before because I swear to Bob that I got the exact same questions that I did the first time.

Writing the ELPE wasn’t hard because the question was hard, or because the time allotted was too short or for any technical reason like that. There were certainly cooler questions though. I overheard one guy who got a question about the value of video games, and another guy got one about the differences between learned knowledge and applied knowledge. No, writing the ELPE was hard because I made it hard. I let the simple test get to me and over thought pretty much the entire process. It’s been a long time since I have had to write anything on demand and in a limited time frame. When I write these posts I can take as much time as I want, and often the writing process involves much humming and hawing (read: being distracted by extraneous media). The essay for the ELPE is also relativity formal and I am used to writing in my own voice with it’s myriad digressions, asides, and informal language. Here at Concept Crucible I can also drop F-Bombs wherever I wish without having to get the approval of the senate. I can only imagine how the droning proctor man would have responded to an ill aimed F-Bomb. I also have the aid of Helen (my wonderful computer-machine) who corrects (most of) my errors.

In the end I suppose the offering I have given the almighty droning proctor gods will be deemed satisfactory and I will have staved off the worst of their wrath. I finished a passable essay and though I wound up getting flustered and erasing almost an entire paragraph at least twice and I’m pretty sure I forgot a title at least it wasn’t complete drivel. I’m not happy with it, but then I suppose I never really am happy with anything I make until some time has passed. On the bright side I think I’ve gotten over at least some of the edge of going back to school. My oldest niece is also having trouble getting adjusted to the new school year and when I sat down with her last night to commiserate on our common woes she offered me some very helpful advice: “It’s simple” she said, “Just go and everything will be okay.”

D.